<Rjx> so guys <Rjx> i gotta get my computer to the USA somehow <Rjx> as cheap as possible <GerbilWrk> wrap it up in a condom and swallow it <Jimmothy> put it in a condom and swallow it <Rjx> you two aren't allowed to talk anymore
<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you get what might be the funniest combination imaginable. I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin, REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded. Then the Tom got an idea. An awful idea. The Tom got a wonderful awful idea. What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites? And this is where the fun begins. The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download. Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow, one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue. The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two. Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty, they got the song "Ozone baby." For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding" into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol, hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really something their mothers would be proud of. I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget. They asked for Grandma. They got Joan Jett. At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation. Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us. At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring, banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear", having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love. Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he? This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment, however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling, perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump." How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one, for that matter? Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce of faith in humanity. If I may quote Method: "You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."
Annabel0Lee: I saw Jesus in my pop tart this morning. LUunfortunate: did you eat it? Annabel0Lee: Yes, is that wrong? LUunfortunate: You coulda made money off of it LUunfortunate: and then bought like a bunch of replacement poptarts Annabel0Lee: Well, I haven't had communion in a while...
DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit my ctrl button Triumph: whats shift+w? DerANgeD: a capital W dumbass
<Thrice> my computer has 400 NIGGABYTES FREE!!!!!! <Deadbolt> niggabytes count as 3/5 of a byte, right?
[@Swiftar]: 1-800-Flowers just sent me the "I Fucked Your Sister, I'm Sorry" deal. Buy 24 roses get 24 free.
<SharpShooter> else if( $A['type'] ']']']']']== ']']']']']== ']']']']==']']']==']']==']=='poll' ) <--- anything wrong with that line? <@Gordon> Ya, I get kinda dizzy when I try to read it <@Working> what the fuck.
<Nitrix> Im using VI to edit a file, is anyone able to tell me how i save and exit? * EvolutionCrazy has joined #ev1servers <agruetz> Nitrix :wq! <Nitrix> whats :wq!? <Nitrix> as in i press colon on the keyboard? <Nitrix> so ALT ; ? <agruetz> no shift + ; <agruetz> maybe you should not be touching a computer let alone be a server admin on a *nix box...
<Brian> I'll drink to that. <Huitzil> You'll drink to changing the batteries in your smoke detector! <Huitzil> Which is quite important, don't get me wrong, but not really a drinkable occurance. <Brian> Hey! I don't have a drinking problem! <Brian> If anything, I'm TOO good at it. <_<
<n909> cool the girl across the street has her window on <n909> and it's light enough that i can use binoculars <n909> brb <jack|ass> n909: you are a horrible person. <jack|ass> n909: a gentleman would set up a webcam so all could enjoy.
Genovese Laptop: so how long does it take to eat doom 3 hell OpenSourceKeys: depends on the size of your bytes Genovese Laptop: ba-zing
Nail: my chemistry teacher has bad grammar Traceur: how so Nail: princiPAL laws of quantum numbers Traceur: he put principle? Nail: no Nail: put principal Traceur: do yuo know the difference between those two wordS? Nail: yeah, principal is like the school administrator Nail: because he's your pal Traceur: 'principal' also means 'main' Traceur: a 'principle' is a concept Traceur: your principal failure comes from not understanding the principles of grammar. Nail: fuck you.
<@ChrisH> Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes <@ChrisH> by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" <@ChrisH> "OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!" His <@ChrisH> staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the <@ChrisH> president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks <@ChrisH> up and asks.......... "How many is a Brazillion??!"
<RamaWURK> THe first few hours of work <RamaWURK> Just drag on <Jato> Hey Rama. <The_Orichalcon> Rama, play "What's that noise" <The_Orichalcon> it helps pass the time <Jato> How do you play "What's that noise" <The_Orichalcon> you listen for a little while, and try to hear a noise that you can't quite make out <The_Orichalcon> then you go around finding out what's making the noise <The_Orichalcon> or the multiplayer version <The_Orichalcon> if you have mates that are bored <RamaWURK> lol <The_Orichalcon> they make some noises <The_Orichalcon> and you have to find out where and what they are <Jato> TO, you are on a whole other level of boredom.
<Shinji> good thing my microphone converts text two words! i never half too worry about some won beeting me two the punchlime.
<Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> My wife demanded I take her out some place expensive <Buddy`leftBehind`Lee> I took her to a gas station
<cjr> My dad was in Edinburgh on holiday, and he was walking around a street with lots of expensive restaurants <cjr> And there was a homeless guy selling magazines at the corner <cjr> So he bought one, and had a chat <cjr> Then he asked "Do you know any good restaurants around here?" <cjr> The homeless guy just stares at him for about ten seconds and says "Yeah, I don't really eat out very often... but I'd imagine they are all pretty good" <cjr> I think my dad ran away after that
<snow> hurricanes are like women <snow> when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house and car.
<%typobox43> (I/O, I/O, it's to the bus we go) <%typobox43> I can just imagine the electrical pulses singing that. <+BlindFool> You need to be shot
<narg> So my sister is about to enter college, and she was telling everyone her room number - 404. <narg> Then one day, she was looking at a college letter with my parents, and she's like crap, my room number is 414! <narg> Reflexivly, I said if people went there, they would be like 404: Julie not found. <narg> No one even looked my way ;(
Gimpy: lifes a bitch and im her pimp HjMC: Fuck life! Gimpy: that'll be 50 dollars
<YelseyKing> I was in a spelling bee once, when I was in second grade. <YelseyKing> The funny part is, it was for fifth and sixth graders. <YelseyKing> I was one of the last ones left standing, but I lost thanks to &%&$&(%(&$& Mary Poppins. <Indogutsu> They made you spell "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?" <YelseyKing> No. "Chimney."
<Kiell> So I get a text message on Friday from a number I didn't recognise... <Kiell> it reads: <Kiell> "Hi agatha this is betty i do not have very many clothes to be ironed this week i am sorry but please can you come next week. i hope you are well. betty." <Kiell> I ponder this for an hour or two, and then reply: <Kiell> "That's ok, betty. I fucking suck at ironing. See you next week. Aggie."
<jdigittl> i just filled out an online mortgage application to test something. I just received a phone call from a mortgage broker: "Hi, I'd like to speak with, um, Mr Testy McTest..."
<+host> finally, I got some good help in #debian in freenode <+host> and another lesson learned <+host> I will never let someone ssh to my computer to upgrade it <+host> again
<Raidonkid> My sister is fucking slow. She came home last night complaining about how her boyfriend lied to her and got her pregnant. He told her he was circumcized twice and she thought it meant he was sterile.
<Mivalekan> the next generation of games will feature not consoles <Mivalekan> but the games only which will only be tiny capsules <Mivalekan> with which you insert into your anus and the game plays in your brain <Mivalekan> MAKE WAY FOR THE FUTURE <Nosnam> So basically, the next generation of games will be an LSD suppository?
fukapuka: im gonna go to my other pc for a bit idolcrash: ooh your other PC? idolcrash: where you talk dirty to me and act like your dad? idolcrash: and I act like some kid in michigan? idolcrash: and if that is your dad please don't tell me
<Fenril> That reminds me, there's a deaf person in one of my classes, and she has a personal sign-language person. <Fenril> And it's really freaking distracting. <Satan> Now there's a job I wouldn't mind having. <Cact> I don't have a beef with the deaf, it's just that they freak me out with their moans and grunts sometimes. <Fenril> I don't either, but it's hard to learn with a person standing 3 feet from you and looking like she's having a sock-puppet fight with herself.
<chrisg> is it star wars ep. 2 thats got the litte green guy jumpin about fighting and stuff? <grifferz> what you have just asked, is, to a star wars fan, akin to saying, "so, that bible, is that the one where the beardy guy conjures up a heap of fish?" to a christian
<ILuvChitlins> listen buddy you had best stop trying to hack people with your script kiddie ways <ILuvChitlins> or someone might get pissed off and ban you from the internet <Arsvith> Remind me again. You know /how/ much about computers?
Sui Kiogi Az: you have such a succinct way with words you know RuShKiN AsS: Damn skippy i do RuShKiN AsS: I"m a fuckin magician with words RuShKiN AsS: Ask amy! RuShKiN AsS: Watch... you see the word fuck RuShKiN AsS: I'll cut it in two RuShKiN AsS: FU RuShKiN AsS: CK RuShKiN AsS: Now i will make it disapear Sui Kiogi Az: you're a true wordsmith RuShKiN AsS: RuShKiN AsS: WHERE DID IT GO Sui Kiogi Az: I...don't know ::cries:: RuShKiN AsS: Oh whats that behind your ear... **pulls fuck out**
<tumnus> i just set my clock the easiest way ever <tumnus> i waited until it was midnight then i plugged it in and left it
<DarthFoamy> Ah, unstable connections <DarthFoamy> How do I despise thee? <DarthFoamy> Let me count the ways! <DarthFoamy> 1 <DarthFoamy> 2 * DarthFoamy has quit IRC (Quit: Ping timeout)
<thatbox> jpg artifacts are no fun for anyone! <Binjuice> What about jpg archeologists?
(surfer) we tried to take off a stop sign (Katriel) what did the sign say? (surfer) stop
<DJnerate> I saw the epitome of laziness today <DJnerate> there was this family at the mall, they were pretty overweight <DJnerate> they were headed for the escalator but maintenance had shut it down for the day <DJnerate> and the mother exclaims, "Oh no, how are we gonna get down?" <DJnerate> i was laughing my ass off watching them trying to figure it out
<Klaatu> I logged into the admin account in a comp at my uni. <Klaatu> I drew the word "Owned" and set it as the wallpaper. <Hl1> Meh, that's good enough to hang with us. >.> <Klaatu> 1337 :D <Hl1> You just lost your cred. <Klaatu> Aw fux0r. :( <Hl1> And slowly going into the negatives...
<Ashley> No, believe me... my job SUCKS. <Ashley> We have to clock out to go to the bathroom. What kind of shit is that? <Robert> The kind you don't get paid for.
<stark> hi guys, anyone got a webpage on how ms exchange works? <@normal1> sure <@normal1> <html><title>How MS exchange works</title><head> <body> MS EXCHANGE SUCKS ARSE </body></head> <takeaction> normal1: WOW! I think that's the best explination of exchange I have ever seen...
<Baintz> Wikipedia is now used like the dictionary, meant to be serious but used to look up dirty words
<Ryuhou> bravo is pissing me off with its "movies that changed the world!" crap. <Ryuhou> they keep saying "men stopped having affairs in 1987 after fatal attraction." <Ryuhou> i'm sorry. what world are you from? <Ryuhou> of course <Ryuhou> they follow that up with a <Ryuhou> IT STAYS IN VEGAS commercial
<Mr_Blud> That looks like a mosquito <ThunderMax> I hate mosquitos <ThunderMax> they're like the Jehovah's Witnesses of nature
<quadropheniac57> so we're talking about aboriginal symbols in school today <quadropheniac57> and i tell my group that i read it was bad luck to kill an emu, except i say emo on accident <quadropheniac57> so i laugh and say "actually, it's pretty good luck to kill an emo" <quadropheniac57> this girl, overweight, dyed black hair, eyeshadow, not goth but close <quadropheniac57> says "no, emo is sad. emo is short for emotional" <quadropheniac57> so i respond "no, emo is short for stupid" <quadropheniac57> she says "no, it's for emotional. emo people are emotional beings who live that way to relieve their pain" <quadropheniac57> i say "emo people are self-absorbed attention-seeking idiots who listen to crappy music" <quadropheniac57> rest of class, she gives me the most dark and depressed death glare <quadropheniac57> THE WHOLE REST OF CLASS, that's like 45 minutes, she's just death-looking me, not even turning her head <quadropheniac57> i swear, she's gonna kill herself this weekend, and it's all my fault <civilpunkbikes> good luck coming your way <quadropheniac57> amen
<ckoo> haha some lady asked me where she could get headphones so I told her "the source" aka radioshack. She walked outside, turned, and walked straight toward "SOURCE adult video" <reaper> Ahahahah!
<shaine> Siege: kansas' best song is dust in the wind. listen to it <Siege> k ill download it <Siege> Haha i accidentally typed in "dst in the wind" in the search box <Siege> and child pron came up. <shaine> you must have turned on 'my favorites' or something.
<andkore> can somebody say something positive the government has done in the past 5 years? please? <gorn> no, you'd have to go to before bush was elected to see something positive <JuggaloAnt> when clinton banged that chick? <gorn> yeah <gorn> that was positive <gorn> make love not war